this will do: i can only go where they'll take me

when you're left with all you've got left, you find yourself with nothing but yourself, a dead beat with cracked lips and heavy feet, an empty apartment with boxes of x rays of dead dogs and old coke straws,

club higgins

within one day of being a resident of my new home, the man of the house told me i was "reckless" and "needed to slow down on my drinking", then told me stories of his old dead friends, fuck it, come over and party

three years

life rafts were only built for so much weight, and the accumulated baggage amounts to the fucking titanic, so someones got to be the bigger man and fall into the arctic slumber, we will both freeze in the end, and im nothing but a boy, i never wanted to listen when you always said this would happen, am i just that predictable, well are you fucking happy? i fell into the trap, im too choked up to even argue my defeat, not man enough to pull the chute, you had it right from the start, i thought i would be different, but my skin has warped from sun light and ive turned into the nocturnal creature you've always known of and feared, didnt think i'd end up putting scratches on your armor, i always thought i'd be your medic, but even a sheep can awake a wolf, im going straight to hell, and its from my own sin, i wish you could curse my name and nail me to wood, but you're too gentle, let me assure you that those remorseful eyes do the trick just fine, securing the pain inflicted by yours truly, i do my best to swallow my tongue and avoid those beat brown shiners, its hard enough to even see my own reflection, you always said this would happen, you knew it from the start, there no apologies that can pierce that acknowledgement, so i carry a sinking ship of shame down to the bottom of my own hole, my desolate ocean floor, im so feeble and weak, pity me, an empty bed occupied by two bodies, on their way to being smelly cadavers, its my instinct to reach for sunlight when im buried underground, burdened with compassion, but we both know thats not fair, its beating a deadhorse, begging it to come back to life, its hard to put down your best friend, but it might be time for the shotgun shells, the disease is taking over and we're trying to map a route around a city of landmines, you always said this would happen, you knew it from the start, i never thought you'd be right, i actually thought i could prove you wrong, it hurts me so bad, i drink until i cant talk, oh how i crave your hate, it would sooth my heart enough to maintain a regulated breathing habit, why must you lend so much credit to me, give me more than i deserve. i feel the scalding of a disappointed parent when all i want is to punished, was it all worth it, i think so, im glad i took the journey, i just dont look forward to the future, cause im convinced theres nothing good, just new kinds of alone, my worst fear; does it always turn to shit? is this what the future has in store for us, will i go through the years hacking and slaughtering beautiful people into pieces and wind up alone and terrified, god how it scares me, is it always the same? is it human nature, does that mean im better off stayin cause its always going to end up the same? is it worth experiencing others, well, you were a hell of a journey despite the destination, we both deserve to have more, im a shell of a man and you're Guinevere, when i think about what ive become i want to be underground, but im no good for you sweetheart, the way i treat you makes me sick, how can you still love me? im half the man i used to be and im still a boy, if i was a man id have the strength to explain but those beat brown shiners are too much for me, you always said this would happen, best friends tend to know you well, of course you were right, you always said this would happen, you always said this would happen, satisfied?