water under the bridge can create tsunamis

"Well, the earth died screaming while I lay dreaming, dreaming of you. Well, hell doesn't want you and heaven is full."

The Florence Nightingale effect is a psychological complex where people who are entrusted with the care and well being of vulnerable patients begin to form a romantic attraction and often erotic attraction toward their charges. Medical workers, such as nurses, are typically at risk, and it is a form of psychological countertransference. The effect can also occur in patients who see medical workers as their protector and then develop feelings for them. It was named after nursing pioneer Florence Nightingale

alcohol and sleeping pills/planes trains and automobiles

i'm losing my will to do anything, it's becoming hard to write, im just so tired, all the time. i'm pressing forward though and forcing myself to keep doing this blog thing. it's therapeutic, its not about who reads it or if it even gets read, i make em extra lengthy not because i want to expose people to copious amounts of information, but because i need desperately to write. the current events stuff is a cop out because i'm too unmotivated to write anything completely originally anymore.

"I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset. Although I'm so tired, I'll have another cigarette."

the puzzle pieces of my new life are starting to come together. I'm getting used to not having a car or someone to drive me around, adjusting to public transport.

Also i've started moving into my new place. Moving in and out of places pretty much sucks. There's a lot that comes with it you wouldn't normally put together until you're actually doing it. As you pack your shit you get weird waves of memory and nostalgia, everything that you've held onto this long seems to have so story, some significance.

But when i carried the boxed items to my new location and examined the space i'm working with, i realized i'm a pack rat. then it was time for the next step, getting out the trash bags and seeing things for what they really are. memories are memories, junk is junk.

the reality sucks, but its the truth. the excessive amount of things we have dont really matter, they dont make us who we are. and sure, you got that when you were 16 at a carnival and it was a great time you wanna remember, but do you really need it?

i think we collect things and buy things to put around us as a shrine to ourselves, as a way to feel accomplished, we put trophies up from things we did when we were nine to remember "hey i once did something" and we surround ourselves with cool expensive gadgets so we feel like we worked hard for our money. but none of these things define us. They don't make us who we are. I've realized, i could live without anything. We all can. We're more than what we've bought, we're a little more than what we've been sold

everything has been so exhausting lately. buses suck, especially getting on one at 6:30 am when its so crowded its hard just to find a place to stand.

not to mention being a fucking insomniac. there's nothing that brings forth as much self loathing as the mental struggle of cursing myself to sleep when i know i cant, tossing and turning in bed, begging myself to fall asleep so i can wake up so early enough to get to work on time. I dont know what else to do but take sleeping pills and drink. only problem is, this remedy will make me sleep but makes it that much harder to get out of bed.

but by far the most annoying thing of the morning routine is bus buddies. i hate people, i dont want to talk to anyone, and i hate small talk even more. i try my best to avoid human contact, and the bus is no exception, but no matter how smug i act, people really like to spark up conversation with me.

it all starts with that first, intrusive question, the ice breaker. lately its been, "where'd you get those tattoos?" and "so you go to UCLA?"

Normally, i do my best to give short and to the point answers, avoid eye contact and physically show my lack of interest in conversation. But on occasion, when i'm feeling a little easy, i have fun with it. one of the better things about public transportation, like on the train, or on a plane, even in a cab with the cab driver, is that you can always make shit up.

you get to create new identities and tell stories and act out a character. it's really quite fun, i've had good ones on air planes, cause you're stuck next to someone for so long. when i started doing this at bars, i realized, everyone at bars is always playing out a character, its part of the aesthetics of going to a bar.

slash one throat, possibly kill millions

Last week UCLA was put on lock down. I wasn't allowed to leave the office. News was soon relayed to my department that there had been a stabbing in the chemistry lab. My department was notified very quickly, because it was up to us to put a purchase order out on a crime scene clean up crew.

It was one of the exciting moments in my dull afternoon, i got to call around to get a crew to come in and clean up the blood.

A student, Damon Thompson was charged with attempted murder in the stabbing of a fellow student who was a female. She is in critical but improving condition at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center across the street from where my office is location.

The whole office was in panic to get the situation taken care of, everyone was rushing around and acting crazy. It helped secured my feelings on such subjects. It was incredibly uninteresting to me. And while everyone was so concerned about the young girl, my thoughts were more on the attacker.

I just couldn't help but wonder, what he could of been. I can kind of understand, when under lots of pressure and fueled with adrenaline, how one could go red, lose sight of all things and become a primal animal. Get lost in a second and make one bad move that changes their entire lives. For some, its slashin a bitches throat. I can't imagine the feeling that comes after you do it, the terrifying overwhelmed guilt of "i fuck up." That tiny moment dictates the rest of your existence.

But for a kid going to UCLA and working in a chemistry lab I can help but wonder what he could of done for society. What if this kid, who will be known as a psycho forever, could of created something that would have changed the world. Cured aids or cancer or made a dope psychedelic drug?

It sucks to know that smart people are still human enough to make dumb decisions.

"Had a friend, she once told me you got love, you ain't lonely. Now she's gone and left me only lookin' for what I knew."

So sure, I enjoy alcohol. I enjoy drinking a forty while i shit, sipping vodka in the shower, packin a flask for the bus, waking up to wine, drinking beer in the afternoon and taking night caps with scotch. Even the novelty of paying too much money to sit on a barstool and becoming a "know my name" regular at the liquor stores.

Alcohol is a psychoactive drug that has a depressant effect that reduces attention and slows reaction speed.

I mostly enjoy alcohol because it keeps me from thinking, takes my attention off things, pushing them down in my belly for the time being. This of course sucks, because eventually all the bullshit boils over, but i also handle that explosion with my hands wrapped around a bottle. A drunken cry of releasing all the bullshit is actually a little better than soberly destroying your entire room or snapping and slicing your friends throat.

Anyway...Couple nights ago I got a visit from my oldest friend of 12 years. I was sitting outside chain smoking and chasing jack daniels with redstripe when he proceeded to drop a fucking anchor on my head.

He told me I was a drunk and that i was hurting the people around me. My argument was, I'm in a hole right now. I tried to explain to him that times were tough and this was my self medication. He then retorted with something along the lines of, "you're always in a hole. It's one hole to the next." Of course I can't quote him exactly, because i was drunk. He then got up and left, leaving me with a bottle of beer in one hand and whiskey in the other, a dumbfounded grin and a shit storm of emotions.

I'm still trying to digest this experience...there's a whirlwind of feelings involved. dont really know what to do and how to feel. what would we do without friends, huh?

Currently Listening to: Young Widows